Hi.  So if this seems to sound somewhat maniacal or depressive, it is because I am in an angry/somber frame of mind.  It is no longer "to be or not to be?", oh no, the question is far more excruciating:  To stay in the anguish of a "to remain nameless" class that will cause me absolute misery, or to drop it and deal with the pain of paying money for a substitute home college course, that will cause me absolute poverty (indebtedness)?

Ah, what to do what to do.  Bordem vs. Wallet-loss.  Misery vs. Pain.  "It is the best of times, and the..." no wait, it pretty much sucks.  Let me try that again.  "Tis a far, far better thing I do, than....." no, not quite right.  Hmmm....oh, here's a good one, "Damn."

 "Quick TRip Has Freaking Tasty Coffee," "MK PEST," "I TOTS RICC," "LEPD BLUE," "His SSecret PPooping TTechnique," and "C-THEM".......what do these have in common?  Are they rambling words of a man gone mad?  Or are they secret clues with each letter signifying secret information about Missonary Principals and Practices, smuggled out of India from a certain "Prosperous" man that we all know?

As I try to force down these, and many more, acronyms and lists and dates, I wonder what value they really add to my life.  Do they really help me know more?  I have waited until the last minute, the cramming is my fault.  However, what do I gain in my life with the ability to regurgitate lists?

29,000 kids starve to death every day.  What the crap do they care about acronyms?

Okay...I'm done.

so I think.....is it really 6:50 am?  Did I really just finish my paper?  I am not sure, because my head is slightly spinning.

Around 4 or so, I felt a "twinge" in my brain.  I don't really know what it was, but it really freaked me out.  It felt as though something pulled, or tightned, or something. (Snapped might be a more appropriate word, but I really did feel somethign like it, and I didn't want you all to think I meant the expresssion 'somethign snapped,' because something really did...)  Then the world started spinning and I felt all dizzy....I got up to see if I could walk a straight line, and then it sort of went away.  I dunno...feel better now though.

I know you all are suffering right along with me the persecution of the homework, so I don't meant to weary you more with my burden.  I am just taking a break, as I have to go back and do a bibliography, then proofread both of my 12 pagers....couple other things.

So I was supposed to list out 5 bad habits because Violet tagged me.  I will do that now.  I probably won't tag anyone because I am sleepy, and, well, that seems to be a good enough reason.

1) I fidget.  Its due to ADD, but my fidgeting is pretty bad.  I can't really sit still.  In any given classs, meal, or situation, I have to be fidgeting.  I constantly take apart and put back together pens in class because it is something to do.  The downside is that they often break, I lose springs, or I get ink all over me.

2) I pick my nose a lot.   Then I eat it.  Just kidding.  Ok, a real one:  I tend to copy the vocal mannerisms of whoever I am around.  When Brad Carpenter is around, I will start to talk like him.  When Josh is around, I'll start saying "pretty much."  When Rob is around, I'll start saying "Whatever."  I don't know why, I don't like it, but it happens. 

3) I feel guilty about pretty much everything.  If someone asks me to do something, I always say yes because I will feel bad if I say no.  Some say this isn't a "habit."  Yes it is, because it is somethign I do that I cannot break.  Even though I want to often be lazy and say no, my conscience or guilty feelings or whatever make me say yes.

4) While I don't think this is a bad habit, I think my roomates do.  I can listen to the same CD over and over and over again and not really think about it.  Music becomes background noise to me, so listening to a CD 4 times in a row doens't bother me.  It seems easier to get up and hit play again then to find a new cd.  They get tired of the same 5 songs of Mozart for some reason.

5) Well, consdering the fact it is 7:00 am and I haven't gone to bed and I am writing this instead of working on the work that I stayed up to work on, I think my number one bad habit must be procrastination.

Okay...I'm done.

55 - 60    

What does this number mean?  The amountof required pages in misellanous papers I will have pumped out from last Thursday to this Monday (one week and a half).  I was thinking about including a cuss word, but I don't think any of them really can give this moment any justice, so I will refrain.

Currently Listening Here I Am to Worship By Various Artists see related

So I wrote this whole entry about frustrations with all the homework I have to do (which really translates into frustration of my previous laziness), and then I realize that everyone else is in the same boat and doesn't need me to bicker about it any more than I do in real life.  So I erased it.   Although, by bringing it up now, I have probably caused the same emotion of bitterness or annoyance out of you.  Sorry.

I wonder sometimes why people try to improve themselves.  Lets take weight lifting for example.  If a person wants to get stronger, they lift weights.  As they continue to lift, they get stronger and stronger.  However, from then on, to get continued results, they must lift more and more.  And if they stop lifting for any reason, their muscle atrophedes and they are weak again.  Or with academics.  A person can train and train and become oh so smart, and get oh so good of grades, and then, college is over.  No more excercising the brain and knowing the 10 steps to cultural adaptability.  Either one must continue the constant study, or else atrophede back into lower-level intelligence.  And why does one work so hard in the first place?  To be able to put themselves in a more comfortable state.  Where one does not have to worry about money, or have to worry about going up the stairs and getting winded.  Where one can relax, and watch movies, play video games, and rest.

But what about this:  What if one never starts in the first place?  He never has to go through the agony of studying long hours into the night, never has to push himself at three in the morning to cram that one last fact in for the test.  No more straining of muscles that shouldn't be strained, and no more worrying about what that good tasting donut will do to the hips.  Sure, that means a low-level job that does not bring a lot of glory. But, what would one get in a non-improving life:  he has nothing to do but watch movies, no enterntainment but to play video games, and no strain save the strain of rest.  There is no worry, because he does not care.  Life seems somewhat the same as those who exert effort, only, much easier.

And this would all be well and good if I hadn't forgotten about that "betterment of mankind" stuff that Jesus calls us to.

Praise the Lord that I am not in charge. :)